| As in water face reflects face, so a man's heart reveals the man. |
| Proverbs 27:19 |
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The Pursuit of Happiness
On Sunday, October 30, 2011, Mark and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. A friend recently asked me, "So what's your secret to a long marriage?" I pondered for all of about thirty seconds before answering, "Forgiveness."
I wouldn't have said this ten years ago, and maybe not even two years ago because, though I didn't realize it, for many years I held false beliefs about what marriage was supposed to be. I'd let movies, music, novels, advertising, and women's magazine articles form my view of marriage. Yes, I read the Bible too, but I was always trying to mesh the ideas I read there with my culturally based definitions of terms like: romance, being in love, soul mate, and happiness. These aren't bad things, in and of themselves. . . unless they become the things we pursue above all else, especially this idea of "happiness."
As Americans, I sometimes think we see the Declaration of Independence's phrase, "the pursuit of happiness" as applying to things the Founding Fathers never intended! The modern version of the pursuit of happiness seems to be, if I'm not happy in this marriage, I have the right as an American to pursue a happier romantic relationship. Please, please understand that I am not suggesting that a person remain in an abusive relationship, and there are many definitions of abuse. A spouse not taking out the trash is not abuse. Seriously, though what I'm talking about here is the marriage in which one or both spouses is discontent and says, "You know, I'm just not happy anymore." Believing happiness to be a right instead of a result of right actions, the person then declares their own personal independence from the marriage and begins to pursue happiness with someone else. But happiness pursued is elusive. I'm picturing our cat, Cleo, chasing a mouse through tall grass. Call the mouse, "Happiness." Sometimes Cleo catches the mouse, but usually not, and even when he does, he's not quite sure what to do with it. His fun is over when the chase is over. John Stuart Mill wrote in his autobiography, "Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so. The only chance is to treat, not happiness, but some end external to it, as the purpose of life."
But it's not enough just to stop pursuing happiness as an end. We have to ask ourselves, What end is worth pursuing?
But you, O man of God, flee these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness. I Timothy 6:11
Now there's a list of things to pursue that will keep us busy our whole lives, and give our lives purpose! Forgiveness isn't specifically named there, but if we look carefully at the list, we'll see that forgiveness is involved in every one of these attributes.
If we're pursuing righteousness and godliness, we will forgive as we've been forgiven. We will be that Good Samaritan who says, "Yes, this person is my neighbor," and we will pour the oil and wine of forgiveness over their wounds, for in wounding us, they've also wounded themselves. In the same way, if we have faith that God forgives, we will act in forgiving ways toward others, and if we truly love others, we will forgive, for love covers a multitude of sins. Even demonstrating patience and gentleness toward people who don't think the way we think or do things the way we would do them is a form of forgiving them for not being us! And really, isn't that what forgiveness in marriage is often about, forgiving our spouse for not being exactly like us? If a holy God can forgive us for not always thinking and acting as He would, forgiving seems the least we can do for our spouse who is more like us than we are like God. Slowly, slowly, I'm learning this and trying to put it into practice. If the Lord gives my husband and me another 35 years of marriage, maybe my every action will correspond 100% with my every belief, and so will his. But probably not. Most likely, we'll still be having to practice forgiveness.
Daye Phillippo
October 2011